Think about it: your own personal savior looking out for you, pretty much, not even 'on-demand,'
'coz most the time you're really gonna need them, you won't think ahead to call.
Because, we are reaching the point where the chaos is a straight line, some would say to hell, some say nowhere--I am on the fence, not sure nothing is better or worse than a place I don't invent to stay, just passing through, the crossroads, the place where verbal agreements come and go, the person who is the one you're counting on falls through the rabbit hole.
Where we stand at the brink of this new 'decade,' as the Romans liked the commanding X for 10 years, at that point, we were broken down into tens, then hundreds, and now thousands. Debt, gets transferred from my frantic belief in that dream that gets reported on, religiously, in the trades: you start playing your odds like a crap shoot, leveraging your talent and good word for a squeeze thru the door, a pat on the back, a nudge that feels good, a nod from across the room where people come together to celebrate their instantaneous glory--that fleeting moment of what exactly, I'm not even sure the fantasy holds.
The new age of enlightenment -- bookended by extremely ignorant and arrogant factions on either end -- could be that the one thing that should guide us is the simplest thing of all - that of compassion. Of trying to make sense of Iran, and China, and Russian troops in China but it's unclear as to whether they are there to ally or to collide; and roadside bombers (IEDs) -- 'improvised explosive devices' says it all for what we are wrapping up.
I have learned how to survive at its basest level of seeing what you are made of, what you can do with and on nothing, how you must rely on the kindness of both friends and strangers to get through, which, at times (today, in fact, when yesterday was so good and full of hope and verve and all that fearless childlike belief that everything's gonna be alright -- not knowing the flip side to that, the B-side, the things you must get over as gracefully as possible) "I have faith in your dreaming" sings Rose Cousins in the song "Lost in the Valley" gives brief reprieve, satiated for a second, then back to that all too-familiar, sinking, sunken, sunk sensation of just being obliterated, on one level, and reviving for some unknown (as Adam said, prophetically, as we were leaving the studio, "Sometimes it's better that way..." in response to my saying, "...it's just the not knowing [that gets me, in reference to wondering if any of this is worth it, the work I do in a fickle-at-best, Sweeney Todd cut-throat, lonely, keep one eye behind you and one eye where you're headed 'God-forsaken town' -- from Tanya's VFS Class # 40 film -- and made me think of the advantages of the not knowing.)
And, so, I'll leave it at that this last night of 2009, not a very easy year, an interesting year, the subject matter was engaging, the work was the same b.s., different day in many cases but then I was able to or am trying to turn it around into something else.
I have high hopes for 2010. I figure even if the end of the world as we know it is upon us, I will have a plan for what I am supposed to be doing by then -- it will be
"I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello...you say why and I say I don't know, oh no! You say goodbye, and I say hello....hello goodbye (chorus)" - the Beatles would not stop singing despite my attempts to shut them down on Pandora Radio, should tell ya something.
A lot of dreams I remember from the past few months have to do with the beach, it's always a version of Kauai, bigger, wider sometimes, but always that island, and I am on or near the beach for some reason, and there are lots of people, it's like a Grateful Dead surfer movie set travelling circus sideshow -- there is a sense of the island supporting itself this way, this Ipanema traffic imposed on a Kealia merged with Polihale.
And then I wake up in my downtown hovel, on the 9th floor. There will be more installments on how I ended up here but for now I wanted to say for 2010: I hope I will find my way, my path and that it is more to goodness than to bad and when I stray and I am easily corrected, reguided and not waste too much time there but to keep moving in a positive direction. I have to believe that or the whole thing goes up in flames, can be easily de-constructed, picked apart and fretted about in advance and after the fact, if I'm feeling particularly like revisiting the ticker tape of all my mistakes, from tiny to blaring, again and again, and feeling no better for the visit.
I know we are in for a messy ride, what with dark psychic predictions, but I just want to stop doing what I shouldn't be doing and to start being able to do the right things to lead me to a path where I can better do what I need to do other than just surviving. Those are my wishes for this brand spanking new year.
Now, off to get supplies for a quiet night inside with the one I love.
'coz most the time you're really gonna need them, you won't think ahead to call.
Because, we are reaching the point where the chaos is a straight line, some would say to hell, some say nowhere--I am on the fence, not sure nothing is better or worse than a place I don't invent to stay, just passing through, the crossroads, the place where verbal agreements come and go, the person who is the one you're counting on falls through the rabbit hole.
Where we stand at the brink of this new 'decade,' as the Romans liked the commanding X for 10 years, at that point, we were broken down into tens, then hundreds, and now thousands. Debt, gets transferred from my frantic belief in that dream that gets reported on, religiously, in the trades: you start playing your odds like a crap shoot, leveraging your talent and good word for a squeeze thru the door, a pat on the back, a nudge that feels good, a nod from across the room where people come together to celebrate their instantaneous glory--that fleeting moment of what exactly, I'm not even sure the fantasy holds.
The new age of enlightenment -- bookended by extremely ignorant and arrogant factions on either end -- could be that the one thing that should guide us is the simplest thing of all - that of compassion. Of trying to make sense of Iran, and China, and Russian troops in China but it's unclear as to whether they are there to ally or to collide; and roadside bombers (IEDs) -- 'improvised explosive devices' says it all for what we are wrapping up.
I have learned how to survive at its basest level of seeing what you are made of, what you can do with and on nothing, how you must rely on the kindness of both friends and strangers to get through, which, at times (today, in fact, when yesterday was so good and full of hope and verve and all that fearless childlike belief that everything's gonna be alright -- not knowing the flip side to that, the B-side, the things you must get over as gracefully as possible) "I have faith in your dreaming" sings Rose Cousins in the song "Lost in the Valley" gives brief reprieve, satiated for a second, then back to that all too-familiar, sinking, sunken, sunk sensation of just being obliterated, on one level, and reviving for some unknown (as Adam said, prophetically, as we were leaving the studio, "Sometimes it's better that way..." in response to my saying, "...it's just the not knowing [that gets me, in reference to wondering if any of this is worth it, the work I do in a fickle-at-best, Sweeney Todd cut-throat, lonely, keep one eye behind you and one eye where you're headed 'God-forsaken town' -- from Tanya's VFS Class # 40 film -- and made me think of the advantages of the not knowing.)
And, so, I'll leave it at that this last night of 2009, not a very easy year, an interesting year, the subject matter was engaging, the work was the same b.s., different day in many cases but then I was able to or am trying to turn it around into something else.
I have high hopes for 2010. I figure even if the end of the world as we know it is upon us, I will have a plan for what I am supposed to be doing by then -- it will be
"I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello...you say why and I say I don't know, oh no! You say goodbye, and I say hello....hello goodbye (chorus)" - the Beatles would not stop singing despite my attempts to shut them down on Pandora Radio, should tell ya something.
A lot of dreams I remember from the past few months have to do with the beach, it's always a version of Kauai, bigger, wider sometimes, but always that island, and I am on or near the beach for some reason, and there are lots of people, it's like a Grateful Dead surfer movie set travelling circus sideshow -- there is a sense of the island supporting itself this way, this Ipanema traffic imposed on a Kealia merged with Polihale.
And then I wake up in my downtown hovel, on the 9th floor. There will be more installments on how I ended up here but for now I wanted to say for 2010: I hope I will find my way, my path and that it is more to goodness than to bad and when I stray and I am easily corrected, reguided and not waste too much time there but to keep moving in a positive direction. I have to believe that or the whole thing goes up in flames, can be easily de-constructed, picked apart and fretted about in advance and after the fact, if I'm feeling particularly like revisiting the ticker tape of all my mistakes, from tiny to blaring, again and again, and feeling no better for the visit.
I know we are in for a messy ride, what with dark psychic predictions, but I just want to stop doing what I shouldn't be doing and to start being able to do the right things to lead me to a path where I can better do what I need to do other than just surviving. Those are my wishes for this brand spanking new year.
Now, off to get supplies for a quiet night inside with the one I love.
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