Mary Tyler Moore

was a role model for me before I knew what a role model was, simply because of the way she managed to throw the hat, I think it coulda been a crochet beret, 70s style, maroon, autumn, that sense of freedom --- Marlo Thomas had an iconic move too but I was too young and traumatized, sublimating all body development into ballet, horseback escape, let's get lost, the intensity of the suppression is what's shown itself to be volcanic.

So I figure, I will try, listening to J.J. Cale helps.

I am relatively calm. I have decided to work half a day, do some editing, 101, lynda session maybe that brit is intense and I am constantly on the brink of survival, it's been like that, to different degrees, since 2003, emotionally, 2004, finally cracked physically but I was so strong it was a slow, long decline--the sicker I got, the more talented I became, cocky and wondering how long it would take me to climb up to the 405 overpass, on that perfect sunny afternoon, I'm guessing April, I knew it was over, I had no allies, they all misread me, and it didn't matter anyway coz I always did my job at the expense, quite dearly of living my life, in any rational, reasonable and healthy way.

Remind me to talk to Billy more or should I say listen diligently or he gets pouty about Bruce Lee.

These have become my mornings pages, at 12:31 p.m. for the day, Thursday, still in a state of shock, recovery and this highlander montage.

Aimee Mann is lamenting "you could never love anyone" in her song "Save Me" which reminds me of a time of my life, almost exactly the feeling, around 38-41, the end at Burnett when I knew I was getting fucked but I didn't know if I'd even be alive the next day sometimes it was so bad in that apartment with parasites falling through the ceiling.

Hollywood! Yes, that was how many years in? You figure, FOB, fresh off the boat but a job helped, the first real scare 6 months then those brutal low budget but learned how to shoot a basic feature even with kids in 18 days; dry spell, then worked, weirdly, commercials, movies, I hurt my back somewhere in there, the introduction to pain and emergency rooms, perhaps chronic conditions, like those things I went thru in my 20s, from guilt and the whole weird sexual thing handed down from my parents, it was ugly and I still haven't dealt with it--and that I have to thank Billy for and let the world know that he has indeed had so much to do with my healing, and that is why I love him, as he loves me for holding him while he goes through the pain and I let him know I love him, just like he lets me knows when I need him to be there, he is my rock.

I suppose that was the purpose of going to such stressful places, I needed to realize what was important, my love for Billy.