Negotiable Items

Thinking today about how just being able to pay into some kind of insurance, a nominal fee each pay check (minus the exorbitant, back-breaking tax system here in the messed up Golden Bear state), a percentage of the salary range (daily/weekly/no guarantees as in hours, weeks, months, etc.) -- it would have to be small, as would the business contribution based on number of employees (so 0-25, 25-49, 50-74, etc.) and they pay into some mass pool run for three years by a non-profit, then turned into a profit-making endeavor, where freelance, contract or non-salaried workers (so all the minimum wage workers out there with no bennies either) can pay into a simple system and get 3 kinds of insurance: basic health/emergency health/wellness credit system; dental; personal property coverage -- for our own gear we are expected to use and provide yet don't get any compensation for -- in fact, it our computer breaks, it becomes yet another liability, a reason not to hire us no matter how talented we may be.

So, that was one thing I thought of. That and a clearly defined job description once in a while would be nice. Qualified and supportive staff, who actually make my job easier, I don't think that's happened very often.

I am ready for a change, that is for sure, but I wish it didn't always end up having to be painful in some way, through costly stupidity, confusion, lack of guidance for so long that it's become apparent by now, reacting to emotional distress (still not sure why certain people in power behaved the way they did when they did at certain pivotal points in my career, and life, why the real, genuine support has been lacking), and having my back up against the wall way too often, and I'm just plain tired of it. And I feel like I'm alway racing against time, just to survive, with not steady form of income, and a desperate reaction to the feast-or-famine imposed upon me.

Well, I surrender. Give me a regular job, I don't care anymore. I just want to work, and I am so tired of this freelance struggle, yes, I am, it did not work out the way I had hoped, based on sheer will and determination--those, I have found, only go so far. You have to have luck, timing and a significant amount of inalienable connections, unfailing, people who will give you a chance, who do not throw you under the bus as some kind of sport or set people up to fail as a matter of their own ignorance and truly disingenuous thought process--to say out of one side of your mouth how important something is and then to be so hands-off, so arbitrarily assertive on ambiguities like 'nothing I've ever seen before' and 'turn-key.' Offensive really, what is expected, unspoken and punishable by death, pretty much. Your denial of your part of the bargain hurts me way worse than anything I could do to you. That's the basic precept of worker-owner relations.

And all this is too depressing for m y birthday, one hour and 22 minutes in. So I'll leave off with the simple solution I propose as something I could do, something that my life could abide (that wouldn't systemically kill me in the process like tax boards who won't work with you, unemployment insurance that doesn't exist (they find ways to double punish you for not finding work) and the difficulty in just surviving. I must sleep, see what tomorrow or today holds. It has been a rough week.