Gallery Boat

The rest, in a nutshell: 2. Roll up your sleeves (got not problem doing thta); 3. Be generous (unless you're fighting for survival, then that instinct comes out, or you lay in bed, unable to take anymore, give or receive remorse, at the peak of 'done'--then it's hard to be generous with anything but your time, which means nothing anymore, in a vacuum of meaningless effort; 4. Be ready. Heard this one many times, when I've been uber-ready, seems like there's a lull in the universe, like it got diverted to a more needy party. 5. Go with your gut. Have issues with that. Sometimes I do and it seems to be okay, many times I second-guess myself due to experience; sometimes there is no gut at all, just a blank stare on the inside; 6. Simply believe you are lucky. Okay this one I'll really have to work on. Lately, I've been just numb. IT's been such a bruised and battered existence for what I feel is not really warranted as behavior that would be construed as bad--a work ethic, involving others (valuing many opinions), getting things done, not getting bogged down in emotional reactions (this is a downfall since people seem to like to stay butt hurt when you have to call them out--instead of saying, as I have many times, "Okay, you're right, I deserved it. Now what can I do to make it better, moving forward?" Knowing that some of those experiences are the best for becomign better at what you do and a more evolved being, overall, who, one would think, would by nature be able to do things more smoothly and with more ease, more acceptance and support from others, but instead, largely, the become resentful, spread lies about you when they simply don't understand -- instead of learning and realizing that they might have something to learn, much less respect for their elders. so that's the one to work on. Yeah, I'm lucky. I should be further along in every aspect of my life, it's all one big disappointment to me at this point; I spent the majority of this week in some kind of wellbutrin-abillify stuporish funk whereby I was absent, blank, dreaming deep crazy dreams of so much import I'm sure and stuck in a 60-40 haze of yeah, I'm done, I've got nothing else to do or say at this point, esp since it's all lead to THIS (being a ball of crap for so many reasons--just accepting where you are and embracing all the utter disappointment over everthing gets to be a bit much -- and so you let the body go, you let the mind wallow in nothingness, rote commands and avoidance are de rigeur, de factor survival tactics at this point. And then four days later, after doing everything you said you wouldn't, you force yourself to cope, because of everything you've been avoiding (because ultimately no amoutn of effort seems to generate a different, more desireable result, in fact, you feel the utter and complete fool for ruddy optimism and thinking that if you actually have a great attitude applying for these 16 jobs, that this time, yes this time, it will end up with you in the right place where they see your value and value you for it, no underhanded bullshit maneuvers where you're set up by your ego (they tell you how great you are, only to shoot you down one rung at a time, the first chance they get--very strange; that's the worst and the last example; prior to that it was just 'use, use, use' and don't even particularly have any respect or appreciation for the added value you bring. In fact, some actually seem to resent it or at least try to diss it -- or the best, crazy xanaz bitch saying it's calculated sabotage and subterfuge--'game play' to care about someone. That's shows where her pettiness lies. All around her. Yet she's a staple, a fixture, the one who can do no wrong despite some very bad behavior. And I am held to the opposit tack which is the story of my life, and I'd like to reverse that starting the next hour. I may not be lucky but I am worthy of being here, I suppose, because I do care and I do try, most of the time. This has beeen the shut down week of not trying, or, rather, trying to nothingness. That in itself leads to dark and dangeoursl places that are better left to poetric mememonic memory of nemotodes and woven mysteries, of which I hope I head. I have managed to make myself sick by lettign my mind abuse my body, and now I have to find the fortitude to change that, without getting too hopeful, lest my hopes and dreams get trounced up again (remember back in Jan how excited I was during that week when we had that great pitch meeting and everything seemed to be coming together and how so quickly it fell apart, unravelled, disintegrated, got unnessarily dramatic and overtly hostile/nasty/petty which I don't do well with at all--I withdraw, sleep too much, don't want to leave my crumbbox hole of a home) and then I have to wait for the lack of _____ to wear off and to be able to act again, albeit uber-tentatively, waiting, as it were, for the other shoe to drop. What I wouldn't give for my luck to really change.