I suppose. And I time to heal, then train, then get your shit together. This blog should be dedicated to causes, water, editorializing, practicing my commercial analysis and writing. The film blog needs to be research on those 3 general topis. Secrets is a bit of everything but always truth, and as such, not to everyone's refined palette. I am trying. I don't know at what. I wanted to not be alive all day. Turn on netflix disk, first frame Robin Williams with this crazy writer I swear I've met with a gargantuan house, a bit gauche and embarrassing to me, to not understand you are a king with a castle based on words, and to say that actually building something was easier. So I got sadder found some bud got ready to go do errands only made it to the bank even forgot the cash and the quarters. General overwhelming depression and counter-better-judgement decisions at every turn. The bad thing causes good. SO sick of everything, not looking to avoidance just end up there. Must wrap up obligations. Bitter taste in my mouth, lost a week to being out of sorts, sleeping all day and then up at 1 a.m. or 4 a.m. turned into this weird Hunter S. Thompson maybe on a good day haze not even bukowski unless overly emotional alcohol-fueled testaments to some ungodly principles. The whole damn thing's a lie. I need to get paid like everyone else. I hide beneath my blankets less than I half-assed wrap them around me, hiding in the juggernaut of nothingness. And then dispelling the toxins, I had been waiting, god knows how long and all it was depravation. Thought that was how you spelled that. Wish I was better at everything, a better person more of the time, not so residually angry and worrisome or just worried-mind. Don't know. Not a fan of body's falling apart as mind becomes more acute, adroit even, all that with so little time. Now, I would actually get something out of the novels I didn't get around to reading, or the trips I would love to take right now and just take pictures and could I live off that simply? In all seriousness, I just want my daily work more or less not to make me so miserable that I find myself behaving like a classic manic-depressive, because I can be so charming, I don't know why, and I wish I had that thing I am lacking that would make me a career standup comedian, same with music producer, didn't have the timing or focus at the time it was rather and always will be photography and poetry with music playing on a record player and lots of fresh air and swimming in the summer and thunderstorms and in the winter, horses in the snow, and breaking the ice for the birds and generally appreciating the fireplaces around the house and any snow days were spectacular. These are the things we remember. Whatever it takes to get us there.