I know that people present their best selves for a while, then the truth comes out and it's about whether your truth collides with theirs at the right time or not or maybe one of you has never been honest so the shock to the system is too much, I don't know, and I'm not sure any amount of relationship books could explain it, or nature documentaries could debunk and deconstruct it, the part where what you love is always out of reach, the part where star-crossed lovers never even meet, the place where everything is perfect, in your dreams or for a moment in time you remember when the nightmare sets in that here you are, empty-handed again.
That's one version. I don't know how anyone lives the fairy tale just that some people do. The ones with super-fucked-up parents sometimes turn out to be the strongest, straightest, best people you can meet. Sometimes they flail in a sea of genetic makeup disasters waiting to happen. All I know is the older I get the less judgements I make. But you are older now and I am so much younger than that now.
I don't know what happened. Just that it arrived. This sentient being that grasps a few truths that have to be remembered like a mantra, amidst the cacophony of things that just don't matter.
It comes and goes. I start crying thinking I want to talk to you or hear your reaction to something. It's only been a little while and I don't want to miss a thing, anymore, on anyone.
The emotional honesty is work but I don't know another way to be. I feel like the kid next to me pushing buttons on the plastic toy machine and the lights blink and the key chains spin, but without that quarter, ain't nothing gonna happen.
So what else I know is that somewhere along the line you have to figure it out for yourself what you are willing to do for what you think you might want forever, because nothing lasts forever, certainly not one's mind. No one knows forever when they are 19, much less 32 or 85. Fuck that. No one knows a thing, don't let them tell you otherwise. You have to be willing to take a leap of faith, again and again. Or not. That's it. Life safely, within the lines, you might get lucky and die before the zombie apocalypse. That is not the path I chose.
If you have further questions, check back for the next installment.
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